during computing today, i suddenly found myself filled with a deep sense of regret. i don't even know if regret is the word to describe the feeling. i just felt so 可惜 that the timing of things were so wrong. if you had held out longer, if i had broken up earlier, perhaps things wouldn't be what they are today. perhaps the 4 of us would still be happily attending lectures together. perhaps we didn't have to be so underground. all the things and people may be in their right places now, but i just somehow feel that if things had happened a little later, our happiness today would be more complete. i mind not being able to admit i'm your girlfriend. i mind having to deliberately deny our relationship. i mind having to dodge and hide, before being able to touch you. but i know that i made this decision together with you, for the reason of not wanting to lose another friend. but i feel unfairly treated sometimes. especially when you do something like kicking me, something that you wouldn't do to another girl, but you find ok to do to me. why is it so? i feel like i should learn to draw a boundary between you, my boyfriend, and you, my classmate. haiz..

i stared into the mirror after bathing and finally acknowledged something. i didn't break up cause of having a big fight. i broke up cause i was tired of being responsible for some one else's life. and because my heart no longer belonged only to the one whose hand i was holding.

but cause i could never admit that to anyone, i can never tell him how sorry i am.